There's No More Bread?

If there's one thing I can't stand (amongst many others) is when the kitchen doesn't order enough bread for the days events. It happened again yesterday.

It wasn't a very busy day, just around 300 people total between 3 different dinners. Ok, no problem. The kitchen orders either 1 or 1.5 pieces of bread per person. See the problem with this?

One piece of bread per person? What the hell is that? Has bread gotten so expensive that we can't afford any more? Will the "bread fairy" get mad at us if we have any leftover? Doesn't bread freeze well, and can be used another day? Havent' you ever heard of making bread pudding and putting it out for the Sunday Brunch Buffet? Come on...give me a break! This is banquets not the restaurant...we have a guaranteed number of covers that NEED bread!

Anyway, this day, one of the dinners was for 175 people that ALWAYS likes a lot of bread as well as a lot of butter. Guess what happened? We only got 1 piece per person and that lasted only for the first 5 minutes. Their event was scheduled with a pre-set salad that would be eaten during the opening speeches that lasted around 30 minutes. Then we were to clear the salad, replenish the bread and drop the entree right after that. But noooooooooo, that's not what happened.

After we cleared the salad, my staff and I went running around looking for more bread because the "bread vultures" picked theirs clean like road kill. The chef said, "I ordered the regular amount, did we get it all?" "How the hell do I know", I told him. "Chef, didn't you or your cooks check what came in?" "We were too busy this morning", he said. At this time I wanted to hit him! Ok, ok...calm down banquet manager...

There was no way anyone could have gone to the store to buy more - so we served the entree and hoped for the best. THE BEST NEVER CAME!!! We got our asses kicked!

Along with her entourage of yentas and ex-housewives, the group contact came over to complain. Where's the bread? We want more bread! I'm big and fat and NEED more bread dammit! What could I say? "The chef is a jerk and doesn't know how to order f'ing bread?" No I can't say that. So I "took one for the team" and will get my payback with my captain's report. (for those that don't know - a captain's report is a summary of what happened during an event, the good and the bad, that then usually goes to all the big shots on property. When there are problems, somebody's butt gets reamed).

Ah, gotta love those captain reports.

I need a REAL job!

WANTED: Guest Bloggers

Yes, that's right. I'm looking for anyone that's interested in writing an original article or story to post on this blog. I've had great success in my short time on the web and think it's time I gave a little back to the people that have made it all possible, my readers.

Rules for submission of all stories:

1. Must be original and not edited, or stolen, from another post somewhere
   
2. Must be funny
3. Must not contain any foul language (at least nothing worse than what you've read here)
4. Must be related to banquets, food, waiters, kitchen, etc.

That's it. I want to add 1 post each week for the month of November so get your pencils ready and write away. Email all submissions to: banquetmanagerthatsme@yahoo.com. This email address is only open to accept your posts so please, no spam.

Preference will be given to the friends I've made so far that are included in my sidebar links. But don't worry...if your story is better than theirs, you get in. The lucky winners get their story posted with a link back to your blog. Remember - I have a Google PR 4 and rank #1 in Yahoo. (not a bad link, right?)

If all goes well I'll be happy to make this a regular feature of this blog.

Once again, thanks for your support and send me your best story right away.

A Few BAD Waiter Jokes

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

***

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

***

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
***None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
***Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
***"Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up."

New Office Policy - Read Immediately

EFFECTIVE October 1, 2008

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

"Please, please, please...can I issue this to my waiters?"

Next Post: A Few BAD Waiter Jokes

Those SOB Members Did It Again !!!

We did an event the other day that was for the members of "this establishment" I work for. And the "son of a B*^%#" members showed their nasty as usual side again. Just because they pay money to "belong" they think they own the place. Regardless of their membership dues they DON'T own the place, especially my banquet department!

The sales department chick screwed it up again. She picked out a menu that had very little food, not enough for a small group of size "0" ladies, let along a bunch of gavoons (that's a little Brooklyn lingo).

So what do you think happened? They went through the food in the first 15 minutes of their 2 hour planned event. We knew this would happen since they wanted to pay for the food "by the piece" 'cause they're cheap bastards. After the food ran out they had the chestnuts to yell at my waiters and complain that there was no food!

When I found this out I went right over to the room (I was busy with 4 other events at the same time) to see if any of these jerks would try that nonsense with me. Yeah, I was looking for a fight. But I didn't get it. I hung around for 10 minutes then I started to remove all the chaffing dishes and the licked-dry sandwich platters myself.

One member, he turned out to be pretty nice after all, wanted to know "where is all the food"? I told him, "The host of this event provided this menu for you, I hope you enjoyed it". That really pissed him off. "The host, he said. Who's the host?

Now, I didn't have the heart to carry this on any further since my "past hospitality training" got the better of me. But he got the point. A few minutes later the Chef came along and said "have all the leftover hors d'oeuvers from the wedding brought over and give it to them". "Ok, I said, but I'm gonna charge them for it". "No no, chef said. They'll just complain to the GM tomorrow".

Now, I was brought up that we will give the customer whatever he/she wants. But everything has a price. We're in the business to make money, not run a garage sale and give things away.

Then the host of the event came over to me and asked "Is that all the food"? I said, "yes it is". I can refill the food platters all night long and add the cost to your bill if you want", I added...just for good measure.

I got him to go for another $800 in food and drink and got paid cash on the spot. I even made them wait 30 minutes to boot! Good for me...

Ok, ok. I guess my "past hospitality training" took a back seat this time. But that's what they get for yelling at my waiters! Nobody does that except me!!!

Next Post: New Office Policy - Read Immediately

A Union Shop...

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

P.S. "You gotta love those unions".

Next Post: Those SOB Members Did It Again...

Food Safety's Dirty Little Secret

From the first reports of a salmonella outbreak this spring, it took a full 89 days before jalapeño and serrano peppers correctly came under suspicion as the culprit. During that period, as more than 1,440 victims trickled in to hospitals, federal officials struggled to trace the source of the outbreak, erroneously singling out tomatoes for weeks before homing in on peppers. No sooner had that outbreak tapered off than the high-end Whole Foods Market was forced to launch a massive recall of E. coli-infested ground beef.

The incidents prompted renewed calls for reform and stricter oversight of food safety. Some lawmakers are even suggesting stripping the Food and Drug Administration and the U.S. Department of Agriculture of their inspection duties and giving them to a new agency. Yet the FDA in particular has long been starved of funding and understaffed. Its workload, meanwhile, is rapidly expanding as the global food chain grows larger, more complicated, and less transparent, all of which adds to the agency's already overcrowded plate.

By Kent Garber
Read full article here.

Next Post: A Union Shop...