New Office Policy - Read Immediately

EFFECTIVE October 1, 2008

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

"Please, please, please...can I issue this to my waiters?"

Next Post: A Few BAD Waiter Jokes

Those SOB Members Did It Again !!!

We did an event the other day that was for the members of "this establishment" I work for. And the "son of a B*^%#" members showed their nasty as usual side again. Just because they pay money to "belong" they think they own the place. Regardless of their membership dues they DON'T own the place, especially my banquet department!

The sales department chick screwed it up again. She picked out a menu that had very little food, not enough for a small group of size "0" ladies, let along a bunch of gavoons (that's a little Brooklyn lingo).

So what do you think happened? They went through the food in the first 15 minutes of their 2 hour planned event. We knew this would happen since they wanted to pay for the food "by the piece" 'cause they're cheap bastards. After the food ran out they had the chestnuts to yell at my waiters and complain that there was no food!

When I found this out I went right over to the room (I was busy with 4 other events at the same time) to see if any of these jerks would try that nonsense with me. Yeah, I was looking for a fight. But I didn't get it. I hung around for 10 minutes then I started to remove all the chaffing dishes and the licked-dry sandwich platters myself.

One member, he turned out to be pretty nice after all, wanted to know "where is all the food"? I told him, "The host of this event provided this menu for you, I hope you enjoyed it". That really pissed him off. "The host, he said. Who's the host?

Now, I didn't have the heart to carry this on any further since my "past hospitality training" got the better of me. But he got the point. A few minutes later the Chef came along and said "have all the leftover hors d'oeuvers from the wedding brought over and give it to them". "Ok, I said, but I'm gonna charge them for it". "No no, chef said. They'll just complain to the GM tomorrow".

Now, I was brought up that we will give the customer whatever he/she wants. But everything has a price. We're in the business to make money, not run a garage sale and give things away.

Then the host of the event came over to me and asked "Is that all the food"? I said, "yes it is". I can refill the food platters all night long and add the cost to your bill if you want", I added...just for good measure.

I got him to go for another $800 in food and drink and got paid cash on the spot. I even made them wait 30 minutes to boot! Good for me...

Ok, ok. I guess my "past hospitality training" took a back seat this time. But that's what they get for yelling at my waiters! Nobody does that except me!!!

Next Post: New Office Policy - Read Immediately

A Union Shop...

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

P.S. "You gotta love those unions".

Next Post: Those SOB Members Did It Again...

Food Safety's Dirty Little Secret

From the first reports of a salmonella outbreak this spring, it took a full 89 days before jalapeño and serrano peppers correctly came under suspicion as the culprit. During that period, as more than 1,440 victims trickled in to hospitals, federal officials struggled to trace the source of the outbreak, erroneously singling out tomatoes for weeks before homing in on peppers. No sooner had that outbreak tapered off than the high-end Whole Foods Market was forced to launch a massive recall of E. coli-infested ground beef.

The incidents prompted renewed calls for reform and stricter oversight of food safety. Some lawmakers are even suggesting stripping the Food and Drug Administration and the U.S. Department of Agriculture of their inspection duties and giving them to a new agency. Yet the FDA in particular has long been starved of funding and understaffed. Its workload, meanwhile, is rapidly expanding as the global food chain grows larger, more complicated, and less transparent, all of which adds to the agency's already overcrowded plate.

By Kent Garber
Read full article here.

Next Post: A Union Shop...

Related Stories:

• Eat This Not That
  

The Rudest Wedding Guest Remarks Ever

Appalling comments made by real wedding guests...

Most couples are showered with congratulations when they announce their engagement, and compliments usually abound on the day of the wedding. But every now and then the couple may encounter a remark that's off-putting, to say the least. Whether it's a jab about wedding expenses or an assertion that the marriage won't last, some people can be truly tactless when it comes to wedding talk. We asked couples to share the rudest remarks they've heard wedding guests make.

• "My father-in-law (who has been married five times) shook my husband's (his son's) hand as he passed through our receiving line and said, 'I hope you enjoy being married to a flight attendant more than I did!'"

• "We had a distant family member ask if my fiancé had enough friends to serve as groomsmen and ushers. He volunteered to fill in if not."

• "I went to a wedding recently where one of the bridesmaids spent the entire night talking trash about the bride and her family. She kept saying how the bride's dad looked awful and was obviously an alcoholic, and her sister (the maid of honor) had a bad boob job."

• "I was at a wedding where, at the altar, the justice of the peace said, 'Time for the solemn vows,' and then said under her breath, '...even though we all know they're not so solemn.'"

• "My friend got married to a wonderfully sweet man a few months ago, and at the wedding reception, one of the women got so drunk that she said, very loudly, 'Well, the good news about the groom being so hideous is that they should have gorgeous children! Looks always skip a generation!'"

• "My fiancé's great aunt said, 'How dare you!' for picking her birthday for our wedding day. She then asked if we would move it, or if we would at least acknowledge it was her birthday and do something special for her-̶ that was the first time I met her!"

• "Someone said, 'We can't make it to the wedding because of high gas prices.'"

• "I have a friend who married a man 15 years her senior. This apparently made no sense to the priest, who made many inappropriate comments during his homily, such as, 'A good wife adds 10 years to her husband's life. Let's hope she adds 20 to 30.'"

• "I was told by my bridesmaid that I shouldn't be having my bridal shower in a place that I couldn't afford for my wedding."

• "There was a guest who got angry at the servers for not getting one of each of the three flavors of cake, and they went to the bride to fix the problem. When the bride responded with, 'There is only enough for everyone to have one piece of cake,' the guest stormed out. Just think: A friendship ruined over a piece of cake!"

• "At my wedding there was a woman (the mother of one of our out-of-town guests) who nabbed me at the reception and proceeded to tell me all about her son's wedding. She said, 'You look very nice, but my daughter-in-law was undoubtedly the most beautiful bride ever...and I've never seen a couple more in love than my son and daughter-in-law.'"

• "My fiancé and I were registering for gifts when he saw an old friend's mother. He introduced me as his fiancée and told her our plans of getting married in June. The first thing out of her mouth was, 'Oh, is this good news?' Who says that?"

• "At my friend's second wedding (her first one ended in divorce), a guest said to the bride (with the groom present and other guests within earshot), 'Well I hope you thanked your parents. I can't believe they gave you another lavish reception considering your first marriage didn't work out.'"

• "At a friend's wedding, the mother-in-law saw her soon-to-be daughter-in-law in her ivory, strapless, embroidered lace wedding dress for the first time just before the ceremony. Her reaction? 'Is that your wedding dress?'"

By Miles Stiverson The Knot

P.S. Like I've said before...I hate weddings.

Next Post: Food Safety's Dirty Little Secret




Stumble It!

You Look Like a Jerk When You Dance!

What is it with the dopey bride & grooms that insist on taking dance lessons so they can "show-off" their dancing skills on the wedding day? They look like fools...no, no...they look like the dead guy from the movie Weekend at Bernie's.

Yes, I know I'm a banquet manager, and a large part of my business is weddings. But, as you can tell from my past posts, I don't write much about them because..................I can't stand them!!!!!

There's nothing more annoying than a neurotic bride or a macho groom that think they own the place just because their getting married here. She's barking orders 'cause there's a crease in one of the table cloths, he's too concerned about extra Budweiser on the bar. Enough already! Anyway, back to my story.

Why is it that it's always the most whitey white guy and his new skinny blond wife, that insist on secretly taking some dance lessons from Arthur Murry or a John Travolta wanna-be then think it's cool to show off their new skill at their first dance as husband and wife? (was that a run-on sentence?)

They go to great lengths to not let anyone know so it can be a BIG surprise. They take 5 dance lessons for $29.95 each and can't wait to show off their new found "talent" Then what happens? They stand in the middle of the dance floor and do nothing more than the box step that we all learned in junior high school. Yeah, maybe they throw in a spin or two and then the big finale when he dips her. But during the entire dance it's nothing more than two stiffs stepping on each others toes.

Her mom says "Oh look at them, it's so romantic". His mom says "I'm so proud of him? Both fathers say "What the f^%# is that"! "He looks like a fag". Their friends wait patiently and give tepid applause until they get bored to death and start heading for the bar. Hopefully the DJ invites everybody to join in the first dance so they can cover-up this mess but many times the new couple want to be the stars of the show like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers (another run-on sentence?).

My suggestion for all future new mister and misses: just plan your wedding like a normal person would. Don't read romance novels for 8 years then expect this storybook day. Don't ask the hall to hang-up your decorations or move your flowers around - that's not our thing. Don't have a breakdown if it looks like rain and drive the banquet manager nuts the morning of because you insist on having the cocktail hour outside. Don't blow a gasket because the shade of blue on the wedding cake doesn't EXACTLY match the gowns your yenta friends are wearing.

Remember, shit happens. We plan for normal people, not wacky and unreasonable brides. If you drive us crazy, don't get upset when things don't go as you envision. We, too, want you day to be "special". So relax. But most of all................................

Don't take dance lessons and be a "Bernie".

I need a REAL job!

Which Waiter Would You Rather Have?

The pretty brunette that's as dumb as a stump and gets your order all wrong

or...

The ugly guy waiter that is very attentive and gets it all right?

Another Story About a Great CEO.

CEOs say "how you treat a waiter can predict a lot about character".

By Del Jones, USA TODAY

Office Depot CEO Steve Odland remembers like it was yesterday working in an upscale French restaurant in Denver.

The purple sorbet in cut glass he was serving tumbled onto the expensive white gown of an obviously rich and important woman. "I watched in slow motion ruining her dress for the evening," Odland says. "I thought I would be shot on sight."

Thirty years have passed, but Odland can't get the stain out of his mind, nor the woman's kind reaction. She was startled, regained composure and, in a reassuring voice, told the teenage Odland, "It's OK. It wasn't your fault." When she left the restaurant, she also left the future Fortune 500 CEO with a life lesson: You can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she treats the waiter.

Odland isn't the only CEO to have made this discovery. Rather, it seems to be one of those rare laws of the land that every CEO learns on the way up. It's hard to get a dozen CEOs to agree about anything, but all interviewed agree with the "Waiter Rule".

They acknowledge that CEOs live in a Lake Wobegon world where every dinner or lunch partner is above average in their deference. How others treat the CEO says nothing, they say. But how others treat the waiter is like a magical window into the soul.

And beware of anyone who pulls out the power card to say something like, "I could buy this place and fire you," or "I know the owner and I could have you fired." Those who say such things have revealed more about their character than about their wealth and power.

No Eating in the Kitchen Dammit!

As a banquet manager, I never work less than 12 hours a day. Most of the time I'm too busy to even eat. I usually just pick a little morsel of food here and there. At the end of the day I wonder why I have a splitting headache and can't wait to get home.

But one thing I can't stand is when a waiter of mine thinks it's ok to eat a full meal in the kitchen during lunch or dinner service. Sometimes it's chicken marsala, pasta primavera or even a 6oz filet mignon. Good country we live in, huh?

I'm breaking my butt all day and some ex-housewife just leaves her customers in the ballroom, then strolls into the kitchen, so she can eat a free meal on my time. And you want to get paid your "grats" too?

"I'm hungry", she says. "We never got a break", she moans. Or, "that's my favorite dish" she blabbers on. Who cares !!! "Get back into the room and tend to your tables" I bellow.

"The guest doesn't care if you're hungry, they don't care if you never had breakfast, they don't care if your foot fungus is acting up again or if your ass itches - they don't care about anything except that they want to be taken care of" is one of my standard lines. But it's the truth!

Ah, sometimes these waiters just drive me crazy...

I need a REAL job!

By the way...I'm getting a little hungry! :)

A Great Comment on How To Treat a Waiter

This is a recent comment from a reader of this blog. She gives a perfect example of how everyone should treat a waiter. Please support her and visit her blog Stress Management and Other Things.

"When I was growing up, my mother raked in the bucks. One day in high school I was having a terrible day and called her and she was busy. In a rare, cherished moment she canceled all her appointments and took me out shopping, then to eat at a nice restaurant. The waitress was sullen at us and my mom and I were not happy, but my mother, as effervescent as champagne, acted like all was better than usual.

Afterward, she told the maitre d' what a great waitress we had and doubled her tip. (We're talking 30% instead of 15%.) We went to the car and I was furious because she'd been outright rude to me and my mom said that we'd go back the next week. The woman was EXTREMELY nice to us and apologized for her actions, but she'd had some tragic things happen and the day had been terrible for her and when my mom complimented her, things just got better."