The Granny Food Thief Strikes Again...

Something happened the other day that reminded me of this old lady, I'll call her the "Food Thief Granny".

When I worked at another hotel (no names please - I'm incognito as they say), there was this sweet little old lady that would constantly crash the cocktail hours for the business events. We had many groups that, after their day-long meeting, would have a 1 hour farewell cocktail hour. They would then network with their fellow associates and anyone else that was invited. To prevent gate crashers, they would even have a separate registration table where the attendees would need to submit their business card to be allowed to enter. Guess what this sweet little old granny would do?

See apparently had an unlimited supply of "official-looking" business cards of various professions that she would hand out to the reg-desk and then be allowed in. She'd work the room - but instead of networking with the other people - she was "food-working" with a pair of tongs and the plastic bag she kept in her oversized pocketbook.

In went some bacon-wrapped scallops, mini beef wellington and even tuna tartar. They I saw her grab a handfull of bev-naps from the bar and wrap 3 pieces of cheesecake and shove them in her thief-bag. I was waiting for her to ask "Where's the "cheesy-poofs". Did she have a colostomy bag hiding under her coat to poor the fruit punch into? Probably...

Anyway, what was I supposed to do, throw her out. My soft side got the best of me and I allowed her to continue raiding the buffet until she was so weighed-down she had to go or she would explode. Just another day in the life of a banquet manager.

I need a REAL job!

Next Post: Guest Blogger Month is Here

You Asked For Separate Checks?

Don't you hate it when you go out to eat with another couple, and without saying anything to you, they just go and ask the waiter for "separate checks"? What cheap bastards! Do you believe this?

Who cares if my meal is $2.00 more that yours...just divide the bill in two and we'll split it equally! Oh man, how I hate this! I wonder if her husband "owes" her money if she pays for his drycleaning?

Next Post: The Granny Food Thief Strikes Again!

Is That Service?

We all have our idea of what "service" is, especially me, a banquet manager. But the other day I became confused when I heard these terms used in connection with the word "service".

• Internal Revenue "Service"
• U.S. Postal "Service"
• Telephone "Service"
• Civil "Service"
• Federal, State, County & City Public "Service"
• Customer "Service"

This is not what I thought service meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few cows. And then BAM! It hit me.

Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

Next Post: You Asked For Separate Checks?

The Drunk at the Supermarket...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

• a half-gallon of 2% milk
• a carton of eggs
• a quart of orange juice
• a head of romaine lettuce
• a 2 lb. can of coffee
• a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Scientists Say Eating Veggies Shrinks The Brain!

MELBOURNE: Scientists have discovered that going veggie could be bad for your brain-with those on a meat-free diet six times more likely to suffer brain shrinkage.

Vegans and vegetarians are the most likely to be deficient because the best sources of the vitamin are meat, particularly liver, milk and fish. Vitamin B12 deficiency can also cause anemia and inflammation of the nervous system. Yeast extracts are one of the few vegetarian foods which provide good levels of the vitamin.

The link was discovered by Oxford University scientists who used memory tests, physical checks and brain scans to examine 107 people between the ages of 61 and 87.

When the volunteers were retested five years later the medics found those with the lowest levels of vitamin B12 were also the most likely to have brain shrinkage. It confirms earlier research showing a link between brain atrophy and low levels of B12.

Brain scans of more than 1,800 people found that people who downed 14 drinks or more a week had 1.6% more brain shrinkage than teetotalers. Women in their seventies were the most at risk.

Beer does less damage than wine according to a study in Alcohol and Alcoholism.

Researchers found that the hippocampus-the part of the brain that stores memories - was 10% smaller in beer drinkers than those who stuck to wine.

And being overweight or obese is linked to brain loss, Swedish researchers discovered. Scans of around 300 women found that those with brain shrink had an average body mass index of 27 And for every one point increase in their BMI the loss rose by 13 to 16%.

The Times of India
Link to original article

Banquet Manager says: "I always new "rabbit-food eaters' and those wacky vegans were out of their mind!"

Next Post: The Drunk At The Supermarket...

Suckin' Face...

Ever been to a wedding where the "happy couple" take their first kiss as man and wife and forget they're in church? I did. It happened last week. They attacked each other like a moose in heat! Deep tongue massage that looked like two leeches searching for an open wound!


Save it for the wedding night!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next Post: Scientists Say Eating Veggies Shrinks The Brain...

I Can't Take It - I Gotta Fire This Guy!

I hired this knuckle-head, oh I forgot, this employee, a few weeks ago. He was a little quirky but to be honest, who isn't? Anyway, he just wasn't working out but he was a "body", as we say in the business. He was here to move tables, chairs, and anything else around when we needed. He always came in late but since we were very busy I dealt with it (this is not my usual way of doing things).

He kept telling me "You know, I was hired as a bartender", or "How long do I have to move tables around?", or the best one, "I don't think I can keep doing this hard work". You get the idea. He can't even set 10 chairs around a table correctly and he wants me to put him behind the bar! Yeah, right!

Then he got his big chance...

As usual, my wonderful sales chick screwed me again. She gave me a "pop-up" 1 hour cocktail reception (bar only) with only 3 hours notice. DID SHE EXPECT ME TO PULL A BARTENDER OUT OF MY ASS??? -----------Ok, ok...sorry for that friends.

So I went to my wonderful and hardworking cellphone using, table-moving employee and said, "This must be your lucky day". "Do you want to work as a bartender?" He said, "Uh, when?" "Right now, go change your clothes" I told him as I pushed him along. All of a sudden he didn't seem too eager to be a bartender. I guess he didn't really want to "be all you can be".

The party was only for 12 people - DO YOU F' ING BELIEVE A BAR FOR ONLY 12 PEOPLE?
...ok, I'm back (damm sales chick driving my nuts). Anyway, I thought he really couldn't mess it up too much. And he didn't. All went well.

He correctly closed out the consumption tab for the event and gave me the receipt as I asked. A little while later I saw him packing up the glassware after the event finished. So I felt pretty good that maybe there IS something he can do right... WRONG!!!

Guess what he did? He left the damm bar inside the meeting room with all the liquor, beer and wine still on it! AND HE WENT HOME!!!! I could KILL him.

HELP, I need a REAL job.

Next Post: Suckin' Face

13 Things Your Waiter Won't Tell You

Waiters share insider secrets about restaurants -- from what days to avoid dining out to how much to tip.

From Reader's Digest

1. Avoid eating out on holidays and Saturday nights. The sheer volume of customers guarantees that most kitchens will be pushed beyond their ability to produce a high-quality dish.

2. There are almost never any sick days in the restaurant business. A busboy with a kid to support isn't going to stay home and miss out on $100 because he's got strep throat. And these are the people handling your food.

3. When customers' dissatisfaction devolves into personal attacks, adulterating food or drink is a convenient way for servers to exact covert vengeance. Waiters can and do spit in people's food.

4. Never say "I'm friends with the owner." Restaurant owners don't have friends. This marks you as a clueless poseur the moment you walk in the door.

5. Treat others as you want to be treated. (Yes, people need to be reminded of this.)

6. Don't snap your fingers to get our attention. Remember, we have shears that cut through bone in the kitchen.

7. Don't order meals that aren't on the menu. You're forcing the chef to cook something he doesn't make on a regular basis. If he makes the same entrée 10,000 times a month, the odds are good that the dish will be a home run every time.

8. Splitting entrées is okay, but don't ask for water, lemon, and sugar so you can make your own lemonade. What's next, grapes so you can press your own wine?

9. If you find a waiter you like, always ask to be seated in his or her section. Tell all your friends so they'll start asking for that server as well. You've just made that waiter look indispensable to the owner. The server will be grateful and take good care of you.

10. If you can't afford to leave a tip, you can't afford to eat in the restaurant. Servers could be giving 20 to 40 percent to the busboys, bartenders, maître d', or hostess.

11. Always examine the check. Sometimes large parties are unaware that a gratuity has been added to the bill, so they tip on top of it. Waiters "facilitate" this error. It's dishonest, it's wrong-and I did it all the time.

12. If you want to hang out, that's fine. But increase the tip to make up for money the server would have made if he or she had had another seating at that table.

13. Never, ever come in 15 minutes before closing time. The cooks are tired and will cook your dinner right away. So while you're chitchatting over salads, your entrées will be languishing under the heat lamp while the dishwasher is spraying industrial-strength, carcinogenic cleaning solvents in their immediate vicinity.

From Reader's Digest - August 2008

Next Post: I Can't Take It...I Gotta Fire This Guy!

The BEST Wedding Invitation Ever!

A friend sent this to me...what do you think?

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There's No More Bread?

If there's one thing I can't stand (amongst many others) is when the kitchen doesn't order enough bread for the days events. It happened again yesterday.

It wasn't a very busy day, just around 300 people total between 3 different dinners. Ok, no problem. The kitchen orders either 1 or 1.5 pieces of bread per person. See the problem with this?

One piece of bread per person? What the hell is that? Has bread gotten so expensive that we can't afford any more? Will the "bread fairy" get mad at us if we have any leftover? Doesn't bread freeze well, and can be used another day? Havent' you ever heard of making bread pudding and putting it out for the Sunday Brunch Buffet? Come on...give me a break! This is banquets not the restaurant...we have a guaranteed number of covers that NEED bread!

Anyway, this day, one of the dinners was for 175 people that ALWAYS likes a lot of bread as well as a lot of butter. Guess what happened? We only got 1 piece per person and that lasted only for the first 5 minutes. Their event was scheduled with a pre-set salad that would be eaten during the opening speeches that lasted around 30 minutes. Then we were to clear the salad, replenish the bread and drop the entree right after that. But noooooooooo, that's not what happened.

After we cleared the salad, my staff and I went running around looking for more bread because the "bread vultures" picked theirs clean like road kill. The chef said, "I ordered the regular amount, did we get it all?" "How the hell do I know", I told him. "Chef, didn't you or your cooks check what came in?" "We were too busy this morning", he said. At this time I wanted to hit him! Ok, ok...calm down banquet manager...

There was no way anyone could have gone to the store to buy more - so we served the entree and hoped for the best. THE BEST NEVER CAME!!! We got our asses kicked!

Along with her entourage of yentas and ex-housewives, the group contact came over to complain. Where's the bread? We want more bread! I'm big and fat and NEED more bread dammit! What could I say? "The chef is a jerk and doesn't know how to order f'ing bread?" No I can't say that. So I "took one for the team" and will get my payback with my captain's report. (for those that don't know - a captain's report is a summary of what happened during an event, the good and the bad, that then usually goes to all the big shots on property. When there are problems, somebody's butt gets reamed).

Ah, gotta love those captain reports.

I need a REAL job!

Next Post: Best Wedding Invitation Ever!

WANTED: Guest Bloggers

Yes, that's right. I'm looking for anyone that's interested in writing an original article or story to post on this blog. I've had great success in my short time on the web and think it's time I gave a little back to the people that have made it all possible, my readers.

Rules for submission of all stories:

1. Must be original and not edited, or stolen, from another post somewhere
   
2. Must be funny
3. Must not contain any foul language (at least nothing worse than what you've read here)
4. Must be related to banquets, food, waiters, kitchen, etc.

That's it. I want to add 1 post each week for the month of November so get your pencils ready and write away. Email all submissions to: banquetmanagerthatsme@yahoo.com. This email address is only open to accept your posts so please, no spam.

Preference will be given to the friends I've made so far that are included in my sidebar links. But don't worry...if your story is better than theirs, you get in. The lucky winners get their story posted with a link back to your blog. Remember - I have a Google PR 4 and rank #1 in Yahoo. (not a bad link, right?)

If all goes well I'll be happy to make this a regular feature of this blog.

Once again, thanks for your support and send me your best story right away.

Next Post: There's No More Bread?

A Few BAD Waiter Jokes

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

***

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

***

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
***None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
***Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.

How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
***"Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up."