What's On Those Hotel Bedspreads?

Is this you?

You can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because you can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

This is getting kinda of gross, isn't it?

Next Post: You Gotta Staff This!

My Favorite Thing About Thursday Nights...

Hell's Kitchen is back !!!

Already on episode #1 we had:

• 1 fat guy
• 1 gay guy
• 1 gay girl
• 1 jerk guy
• 1 dopey girl that "quit" on the first day
• 1 obnoxious 23 yr old kid that thinks he's an executive chef
• 1 ex-housewife that charges $300 per person to teach others to cook (and she can't cook herself)! Hey, maybe she's on to something.
  

Looks like it's gonna be another good season...or as a wrestling announcer used to say "a slobbernocker"!

Next Post: What's On Those Hotel Breadspreads?

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Dammit, This Was Supposed To Be a Quiet Day!

A good Monday morning it is. Kinda cold but I see the sun is breaking through the night’s veil. A quick shave & a shower and I’m off to work. Nothing like driving to work knowing that all I need to do today is my payroll then babysit a small group of 20 people. I may even scoot out early…yeah baby!

I arrive at the hotel around 9am, check-in with my morning captain serving the 20 person breakfast and get right to work on my payroll. I did most of it late Saturday night so there’s not much left.

After around 35 minutes it’s done, and faxed over to Accounting. Payroll’s finished before the 10:00am bitch-off (I mean cut-off), since the Accounting vultures bitch and moan if it’s 1 minute late. Damm pencil pushing chicks!

Anyway, now I get to relax the rest of the day. Nothing left to do except clean up my office from all the leftover crap from this past weekend. Then it started…

The big dude from SYSCO shows up and yells for Stu (he’s our purchasing manager). I say “Stu’s off today”. “I got a big delivery for YOU then”, he says. “One minute, let me see if the Chef’s in” I moan. Now I go running around trying to find the Chef. “Remember it’s Monday, Fritz is off today” the cook tells me. Looks like Monday is off to a wonderful start…

Since apparently I’m the only schmuck here from F&B today, I get stuck logging-in this friggin’ SYSCO order. I get my coat and head to the loading dock. After around 45 minutes I’m done. Fingers are freezing (it’s no longer “kinda” cold, it’s cold as a bitch), back is aching, nose is running, and I smell like the dumpster. Monday is getting worse...

I go to the restaurant to get a hot cup of coffee when I see my boss the F&B Director. “Where have YOU been” he snaps. “Doing Stu’s job” I shot back. “Where’s Stu” the smart-ass says. “You told him to take a few days off because it’s getting slow, remember”. “Oh yeah”, he squeaks. "Did I see the SYSCO truck here before?" the mamaluke says as he walks away. Mondays are starting to suck really bad.

The rest of the day was taken up with:

• A marketing meeting (what the hell do they need with me?)

• A few phone calls from servers wanting to know if they can get unemployment for this week

• Our BEO meeting (there’s no friggin’ events for the next week, who needs another meeting?)

• A call from the union delegate (the real bastards) that broke my nuts for around 20 minutes on bullshit

• Accounting bitching about a banquet check that was not closed properly (screw them!)

• Getting staff for a few small shit meetings that “just popped up” (popped up - yeah right!)

Next thing I know it's 4:47pm and I got nothing done today, WTF !!! I was supposed to be relaxing and shit. I rush to clean up my office - I put away the leftover rental napkins, stack the coffee signs on the back shelf, bring the lost and found shit to "Lost and Found", and throw out the garbage. Whew! NOW, it's time to go home.

As I start to get up and put on my coat, the phone rings. I see "the putz" (my F&B Director) is calling me. "Screw-it" I say as I high-tail it out the door. Hope I don't get ratted-out.

I need a REAL job!

Next Post: What's On Those Hotel Bedspreads?

The Hotel Remote And Adult Movies

Is this you?

You can't use the remote in a hotel room because you don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

Ah, did I get you again?

Next Post: Dammit, This Was Supposed To Be a Quiet Day!

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The Bride That Couldn't Make a Floor Plan

As you fellow banquet managers know, there are many many things involved in setting up for a wedding. You need to staff appropriately, make sure the kitchen has enough food and didn't forget to order the ice carving, deal with the florist when she gets here, and calm down the sales chick that always gets nervous before "her bride" arrives. Needless to say the room must always be set according to the diagram. Well, last weekend, we had a "winter themed wedding" that was a winner...

We set the room perfectly as per the diagram, a few tables of 8, a few of 9, and a smattering of 10's, 11's & 12's and even two 6 tops...no big deal. The only thing different was that they wanted a head table for 34 people. A head table for 34 people??? What the hell is that? I haven't seen a head table like this since the '80's (I'm dating myself here). Ok, so we set it up just as they wanted, who am I to argue and ruin their "perfect day".

The waiters set up the cocktail hour really early...we were all set. The buffet stations looked fantastic with the decorations perfectly matching the stations. So far so good. Now cocktail hour's finished. Then we escorted the guests from the cocktail hour to the ballroom and I had staff show them to their tables. So far still good.

Now I turned my attention to getting the bridal party ready for the line-up outside in the pre-function area. You know the drill. Trying to get 6 drunk groomsmen and 6 lipstick-laden bridesmaids to shut up for 1 second so I can go over the intro list is a chore in itself. Then where is Grandpa Luigi? We can't find him. "Papa, papa" the bride's mom is yelling, "Where are you". Now we have 4 different people running around the floor looking for this senile old man. The photographer is leading the way (good, one less thing for me to do).

Guess where Grandpa Luigi was? Yep, stinking-up the bathroom. Ah, you gotta love weddings. Anyway, I get them all lined-up and ready, then I go into the ballroom and head straight for the DJ (yeah, I hate them damm DJs) to let him know that we're ready. Just as I get on the dancefloor, I notice that all my waiters are running around the room like stuck pigs! What the hell is going on???

I tell the DJ to wait one minute then race into the back hallway to find out what's happening. "Table 12 is only set for 6 people, we need to change it to a 10 top", Jose yells. Then Maria said "I need more silverware for table 15". I said how many? "Two more settings" she squeaked as she ran into the ballroom. "Pablo, get me two more chairs for Maria's table" I shout.

It goes on like this for what seemed like eternity even though my staff got it all done in around 5 minutes (good job guys!). We had a total of 7 tables that needed to be changed, some seats taken away and some added. Real fun! In the middle of this chaos, I rush to the prefunction area where the bridal party is still waiting and now wondering what the hell is going on. In my calmest voice I say, "There were some additional seats that your guests requested us to add to a few tables". It'll only take a few moments to finish it up".

Fast forward to the intro-----------------------

The DJ starts his intros and the bridal party enters the room. Ok the crazyness is over, I hope. The first dance goes well, then the DJ asks everyone to take a seat so the priest can make his blessing. Now I have around 40 people looking to sit at the head table for 34 (you forgot about that part didn't you?) There wasn't 34 people in the actual bridal party, but there was 34, actually 40, that wanted to sit there. They were made up from the boyfriends of the bridesmaids, cousin Nuzzio & his wife that flew in from Italy, Sam the butcher that was a friend of the family for 40 years...you get the picture. More chaos.

The priest finishes then the best man is called up to make the toast. The photographer is clicking away but in the background, you can see 6 people looking still for a seat. Now they're getting pissed, since this has taken around 10 minutes. All this time the groom is oblivious to whats going on but the bride is catching on. I wait until all the speeches are done then say to the bride, "There are 6 people that don't have a seat at the head table". "Were you expecting 40 or the 34 that you put on the floorplan"?

Based on her "dear in the headlights" look she gave me, I knew she was lost. Now the groom says, "You gotta bring in another table". "Screw that!" I say to myself. Anyway I found them 6 seats at table # 15. Yes, the same table #15 that we just changed from an 8 top to a 10 top. There were only 4 people sitting there. Go figure...

Otherwise, everything else went fine. The Bride & Groom had a wonderful time, the parents were content, even Grandpa Luigi. You know who had the best time? Those 6 guys that were without a seat earlier that I put at table #15. Table #15 was right next to the bar. Need I say more?

You gotta love this job!

Next Post: The Hotel Remote And Adult Movies

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Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road? - 2009 Version

To celebrate tomorrow's presidential inauguration, I wanted to give you the 2009 version of the classic joke: Why did the chicken cross the road? Here it goes...

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let's not talk about that, let's talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! – that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken...What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain... alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Post: The Bride That Couldn't Make a Floor Plan

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Eat This Not That!

Whether you're a banquet manager, waiter or chef, you work with the freshest food available everyday (or at least we hope). We just take it for granted that it's healthy, lean, and has no processed ingredients. Then we need to deal with all the special orders from those "healthy customers" like:

• sauce on the side
• baked instead of fried
• make sure there's no salt in it
• yadda yadda yadda

But are these same pain-in-the-butts aware of what's in most of the common food they eat everyday when they go to the supermarket or order from their favorite fast food joint? Of course not.

I came across this great book, well actually my wife did, that is called "Eat This Not That!

You gotta get it. It's small, very colorful and lists the actual brand names of products that are either loaded with too much extra sugar, salt, or whatever else is bad for you, then compares that to another similar product that is actually good for you. See a sample page below.


There's a comparison of breakfast cereals, juices, cooking oils, energy bars, fast food chains, you name it. The book is small enough to put in your pocket when you go shopping. Hey, don't take my word for it, just click on one of the Amazon.com links below and check it out for yourself.



Hey, what do I know? I spend most of my time eating the left over cookies or cakes from the buffets anyway. Who's got time to eat healthy...I guess only those "tree-hugging" vegans!

Next Post: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road. 2009 Version

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I Only Work Weddings, He Says

The other day, one of my part-time, or on-call waiters (whatever the hell you want to call 'em) tells me that he needs to talk to me about the schedule. I said "Ok, what's up?" He says, "When I was originally hired here I told the previous manager that I only wanted to work part time and only wanted to work weddings". "

If I was going to take time away from my career (he's a damm school teacher!) I only want to work weddings since that's what I like". "Lately you've been putting me on those corporate parties instead", he bitched. Sure the higher pay from a wedding doesn't come into the picture I guess...

Well I gave him two options:

1. Since you're a waiter in a hotel banquet department, be prepared to work any and all events needed.
2. If you want to work only weddings, what the hell did you come to work at a hotel in the first place! Go get a damm job in a catering hall!

He didn't like either of these options so I'll just give him some "cooling-off" time. Let's see if his attitude changes when his name isn't listed on the schedule for a few weeks.

The story continues...

Next Post: Eat This Not That!

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Those Bastards Stole My Blog Post!

No not really, only kidding. Actually they featured it. The website "Curious Read.com" was nice enough to feature my post Don't Finish Your Plate Pay 3% More in their New Year's Eve edition. Pretty cool, huh? Click on the banner above to visit the site and while there, look around. It's pretty good and I know you'll want to go back.

Next Post: I Only Work Weddings, He Says

Bacteria On My Lemon Slice?

Is this you?

You no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel but you ask for lemon slices in your ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

Ah, got you thinking now. Huh?

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My Lunch With The Blue Haired Ladies

...Actually it was around 180 blue haired ladies (and about 8 senile old men).

We did a lunch yesterday for the neighborhood senior citizen center. This was their "2009 kick-off" event. 180 of the nicest little old ladies you could meet. They arrived way too early as usual for people of their age, when we were still putting the water glasses on the tables. They didn't mind. They were just happy to be out.

The organizers of the event had their act together. Each attendee had a place card with their entree choice listed as a cute cartoon. A picture of a steak for the beef, a chicken for the chicken (what else) and a cute fish for the fish entree...a piece of cake (a little food joke there). This made it very easy to take their orders for today's plated lunch.

We dropped their salad & bread right away. They started eating...well gumming. The DJ started to play his music... By the way - the DJ looked like Art Linkletter with Elvis sideburns! He had a really deep voice and was as corny as can be. Harmless though he was.

Then the fun started. "Mabel, it's too hot in here" one waiter overheard a lady say. After a few of these I turned the a/c on. Later, "Bernice, now it's too cold" her friend said. Oh oh, here we go.

We didn't even clear the salad plates before a few folks started asking if they could take the dessert home. You know, once 1 little old bitty sees a to-go container the race is on. I don't want this to turn into a take-out free-for-all.

We clear the salad and start serving the entrees. "I know I had the chicken ticket but my doctor says that fish is good for me" says Mabel. My waiter goes to change her meal. Now her friend Bernice wants to sample the fish too. "Hey sonny-boy, can you get me a fish too" grandma asks me. What am I gonna do? I get grandma a fish. Then the first beef issue comes up.

I'm in the kitchen when my waitress Maria says, "This lady said she can't chew the beef, can we cut it up for her"? I hope we haven't sunk this low. "I'm not going to cut up her food for her" I say. "Get one of those dirty old men to cut it up for her". "Maybe he'll get lucky" I finish. That gets me dirty looks from a few of my staff. "What, what did I say" I yelled as I surveyed the room. "You better be nice", Susan snapped. "You're gonna be like her one day", she snapped again. "Hell no" I told her.

Anyway, we finish the entree with no other issues (other than Marie cutting-up the beef for grandma). Coffee is poured, then dessert goes out. A few more changes in room temp, a few pieces of cheese cake put into to-go containers, the DJ plays the Alley Cat then the Hokey Pokie and the lunch comes to a close.

No salt & pepper shakers were stolen, I think. No one forgot their false teeth & no one wet their pants. A good day if I say so myself. Hey, I hope I can get myself dressed and out of the house when I'm their age. When it's my turn for the neighborhood senior's lunch, I wanna try to dance my version of the HuckleBuck too (a little Jackie Gleason lingo there).

P.S. Of course you know we had to take all the leftover food from Mabel's table and wrap it up for her dog. Blue Haired Ladies...you gotta love 'em.

Next Post: Bacteria On My Lemon Slice?

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This Just In...

Vote For Your Favorite Posts Here.

To start the new year off right, we're now featured at "Humor-blogs.com". I never thought of this as a humor blog but I've had great response to how funny some of my posts apparently are. So, please click on the photo above or on the link at the left side-bar and vote for your favorite posts from this blog.
(Hey, since you're there, why don't you just vote for all of them)!

Thanks,

Banquet Manager
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Holiday Party and New Years Eve Horror Stories

Ok, we finally got through all the "holiday parties" and New Years Eve festivities and made it out alive, so to speak. We took our bumps and bruises, got yelled at by our boss and didn't get fired. Not bad. Well here's a quick look at how the final 2 weeks of the year went for me and what I had to deal with:

• too many drunks
• too many ugly people
• a waiter that never showed-up for Christmas Eve & New Years Eve (later for you!)
• a couple of 2 tops that complained "the food was cold"
• the kitchen running out of oysters for the buffet (as usual)
• a member expecting a discount on New Years Eve (yeah right!)
• 3 tables that didn't have a reservation for the Christmas Eve buffet but insisted they should be let in (one was a 12 top!)
• the F&B Director wanting "perfect service"
• the coat check lady losing a jacket (there goes my bonus!)
  
• another waiter that wanted to go home early on NYE ("I have family staying at my house" she says)
• New Years Day buffet room that had no heat (thermostat bugged-out)
  

Just business as usual for a banquet manager. 2009, here I come!

Have a holiday party horror story? Tell me about it and maybe I'll post it here for all to read!

Next Post: My Lunch With The Blue Haired Ladies

Are You Nuts Revisited

For my first post of the year I wanted to revisit the first post I ever wrote for this blog. Hope you like it...again.

So You Want To Be a Banquet Manager...Do you have any idea what that really means?

Oh sure, you think wearing a tuxedo is cool & it makes you look like James Bond or something. But it only makes you look like a damm penguin!

The term "the grass is always greener on the other side" really applies here.

This job is great for you if you like the following:

• never getting paid what you’re worth
• working 70-80 hour weeks without any set days off
• always having to deal with cranky chefs & dopey sales people
• never having weekends or holidays off to spend with your family
• dealing with union waiters that make more money than you do
• and worst of all, absolutely NO job security

Other than that, it’s a great job.

Some of your main job responsibilities will be:

• pleading with the waiters to come in for a last minute (pop-up) event
• having to explain to them why the gratuity (tip) was so low for the event (greedy bastards!)
  
• arguing with the sales manager as to why giving you the room diagram on Saturday morning for a Saturday night event is not acceptable (duh!)
  
• explaining to the General Manager on Monday why you “harassed” her when she “got you the diagram as quickly as she could” (that bitch!)
  
• fighting with the chef because he didn’t give you enough food for the damm buffet (happens all the time)
• explaining to your wife why you can’t go to her friends dopey birthday party tonight because you need to “do a double” because your assistant called in sick (even though you planned it that way)
  

And that even before you deal with any zany customers!

I need a REAL job...

Next Post: Holiday Party and New Years Eve Horror Stories

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