I STILL Want To Get Married Outside

What's with these crazy brides? They plan their whole life for the "perfect" wedding. The perfect dress, the perfect centerpieces, the perfect favors, etc. But they just assume their day will have the perfect weather. Well sometimes it's not.

Again, yesterday, it rained. Off and on from Friday night until Saturday night. We had a wedding on Saturday with the wedding ceremony outside in our wedding garden. The ceremony was planned for 5pm with the cocktail hour starting at 6pm, the usual stuff.

Well, all morning long we watched the Weather Channel for updates on the storm clouds that hung over our heads. Big, black and puffy...no, not the bride, the clouds. They hung around all day. At 12 noon, a few drizzles, at 1:30pm, a few more.

My sales chick again got the bride on the phone around 2pm and told her again that we recommend the ceremony be held inside so we can guarantee her the ceremony will go on without a hitch.

"I TOLD you I still want to get married outside", she screamed. I guess she got tired of us asking her. What do we know? We only do this all year long for hundreds of Bridzillas like her. "The guests will just have to sit in the rain" was the next foghorn out of her mouth. What's with these nutjobs?

It's more important for her to have her wedding ceremony outside even if it's raining, even if her guests (family & friends) sit in the rain, on wet seats. As Forest Gump said, "Stupid is as stupid does".

To make a long story short, the rain stopped, we got around 5 guys with towels to wipe down all the chairs that we setup around 2:30pm and the ceremony took place.

She had a smirk on her face for the rest of the day. I know she was saying to herself "See, I told you it would be alright". Ok, she was right, it didn't rain during the ceremony.

But wait until she opens the envelopes from her bridemaids that had their heels stuck in the wet grass and one even tripped in the grass. Wait till she hears from her grandmother that had to watch the ceremony from inside 'cause she couldn't go outside with her walker. Wait until she gets the bill from the DJ that she forced to setup his equipment in the damp wedding garden. His extension cords sat on the rainy grass and kept blowing the circuit breaker and finally burnt out one of his speakers.

Another "perfect" wedding day.

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Red Bull Cola and Cocaine

Germany is considering a nationwide ban on the high-energy drink Red Bull Cola after traces of cocaine were found in it.

Authorities in the states of Hesse and North-Rhine Westphalia have ordered retailers to stop selling the beverage - which is available in the UK.

The consumer ministries in the two states confirmed they had ordered retailers to pull the drink off their shelves after a food safety institute in North-Rhine Westphalia found the drug in samples.

Coke problem: An investigation in Germany has found traces of de-cocainized extract of coco leaf in Red Bull Cola

'The institute examined Red Bull Cola in an elaborate chemical process and found traces of cocaine,' said Bernhard Kuehnle, head of the food safety department at the federal ministry for consumer protection. Authorities said the cocaine levels do not pose a health threat but are not permitted in foodstuffs.

The investigation found the drink to contain a de-cocainized extract of coca leaf in the drink.

That means the drink cannot be classified as a foodstuff but as a narcotic and needs a special licence, authorities said.

How will the kids get their cheap buzz now?

Read more here.

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Next Post: I STILL Want To Get Married Outside!

Employee of the Month

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff!

From,
The Management

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Next Post: Red Bull and Cocaine

A Hotel For Dogs?

I just watched the movie "Hotel For Dogs" with my kids. The movie was kinda cute but then I got pissed-off.

What about hotel for people that isn't full of bugs and germs? It got me thinking about a few of my past posts. Read them here:

• Bacteria On My Lemon Slice
  
• The Hotel Remote and Dirty Movies
  
• What's On Those Hotel Bedspreads?

Or some other hotel / restaurant stories:

• Dinner in the Sky
• There Are Robert Waiters After All
  
• The Government Can't Run a Restaurant
  
• The Story About a Hotel Made of Ice and Snow
  

Next Post: Employee of the Month

Air Walls and The Cranky Customer

It's a wonderful idea. Make a movable partition between two meeting rooms so that the room size can be expanded as needed. Let's call it an "airwall". Sounds great right? WRONG!

I never worked in a property that had airwalls that worked properly. Either they were not soundproof (as advertized), they were a bitch to open or close, or they were always falling off the track. I even once had a section of wall completely fall down to the floor as I was helping one of my houseman close it. I was much younger and quicker at the time and got my ass out of the way.

The other day we had two different groups on either side of the ballroom airwall - one was a small group of around 35 people with a presentation and the other side was a group of 110 pharmaceutical sales reps. You can already see the problem.

The sales reps had music playing between the breaks, cheering and clapping, all the usual sales mind games. The smaller group on the other side were very quiet and reserved. But they were pissed. I couldn't get the sales jerks to quiet down all day. I spoke with them, our sales manager spoke with them...nothing. I finally got my General Manager to speak with the group contact and that worked but only until lunch time. After lunch the shit started up all over again.

Well, you know what came next. A very upset group of 35 people that didn't want to pay the bill and said they will complain to "corporate" about the poor quality of meeting space and "lack of response to their concerns".

I've been complaining about the airwalls for some time now and have told our "sales chick" to be careful about booking two groups in the space at the same time.

Let's see who's ass is on the line next...

I STILL need a real job!

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Customers Don't Care About...

I read too many blog posts from servers that are pissed about how a customer spoke to them or the fact they got a bad tip. They bitch that they had to work the holiday or couldn't get the day off as requested.

Then they moan and groan when their manager broke their balls because they didn't finish their closing sidework or forgot to put a fire line on the order and the cooks prepared the whole order at once.

If we could get rid of the attitude and stop focusing on "you the waiter", maybe then you can finally zero in on that your job really is - it's servicing the people that take time out of their day to actually come to your restaurant to give you their hard earned money.

They don't care if you just broke-up with your spouse or had a bad month and are having trouble paying the rent. They don't care if your mother is coming over and will bitch at you for the next week. The customers don't care if you're on your third "double" in a row and are about to fall over from exhaustion.

They just want to eat and don't care about your bullshit!

They aren't concerned that your boss has been on your case lately. They don't care if your ass is itchy 'cause you didn't do the laundry in over 3 weeks and are wearing clothes that are so dirty that they can stand-up on their own. Who gives a shit if you have car trouble?

Not them. They only know one thing...they are hungry and expect you to be professional and tend to their needs. And that means be polite, attentive, and most of all have a smile on your face.

We managers have our problems to. Do you think it's a bowl of f'in cherries dealing with a restaurant or banquet hall full of cranky waiters that are PMS'ing or are going through their macho stage and refuse to follow the rules? Hell no!

But when you're not in the mood to deal with your "problem customer", who do you look to bail out your ass? Right, your manager. Remember, we have all the same problems that you waiters are going through PLUS we must deal with "Corporate" or the Restaurant Owners if service is bad or we don't make our budget.

Try stepping in our shoes once in a while - you probably won't like it.

Once we all realize that we live and die on customer service and realize that we are nothing more than the vehicle that makes the guest happy, we will finally become a professional. Professionals work as a team. The front-of-the-house with the back-of-the-house, working in tandem, doing their job well each and every day regardless of the situations behind the scenes. We're all on stage and must put a smile on for the most important people there are...our customers.

Just a little rant from me...


Next Post: Airwalls And The Cranky Customer

I'm This Week's Features Site!

"So You Want To Be a Banquet Manager" is this week's featured site on Slogbite.

What's Slogbite?

• A social network
• A comprehensive directory of categories and sites
• A place to see member site’s BEST work
• A place to promote your BEST work
• A place to get noticed
• A place to maximize your exposure at other member sites
• A place to meet the BEST there is

Check it our here.


Next Post: Customers Don't Care About...

If I Had a Garage Sale...

I'm driving to work yesterday, yeah I had another wedding to do. Bridezillas and drunk grooms again. That's another post to come.

Anyway, as I drove to work I noticed at least 8 garage sales along my way. What's with all this shit? What do these people do all week that makes them wake up on Saturday morning and throw all their shit out on the front lawn?

Then I wondered...what would Banquet Manager put out for a garage sale? I like it call it my "crap I've been saving for the last 5 years in the hope we can use it again" sale. Here goes...

• 6 racks of mismatched glassware
• 1 1/2 boxes of table crumbers that my waiters refuse to use
• my old tuxedo that is shiney, "stain infested", and has a hole in the crotch
• that box of old schedules that I've had under my desk forever
• 4 broken chairs and 3 tables
  
• all the ripped and stained linen that the housemen keep putting on the tables
• 2 broken toasters from Sunday Brunch
• 1 bus tub and 1 gallon bucket of old silverware
• 3 gold easels that have the gold flaking off
• 2 plastic service carts that are now burnt and melted from the cooks putting hot pots on them
• 3 lighters that always seem to break when we have a thousand candles to lite
  
• my old stinky pair of shoes
• 1 drunk houseman
• 1 psyco bitch waiter
• 1 dumb-ass F&B Director

Yep, I'm ready to make some money today.

Next Post: I'm This Week's Featured Site!

New Wine For Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic..

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as:

PINO MORE

Next Post: If I Had a Garage Sale



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The Engineering Department Sucks!

Standards. Standards must be held high. Standards must be held high at all times. Standards must be held high at all times except if you work in the f'ing Engineering Department of a hotel!!!

I break my ass each day to make sure that all the linen is neat and not wrinkled, food presentation is perfect, waiters uniforms are clean and straight, etc. and what do I get for it. NOTHING. Each event goes off without a hitch, but I still need to hear from everybody, "This group is VIP, make sure you watch everything". "We're expecting to get a lot of new business from this client, pay special attention to them". "Go the extra mile with this group". Enough already!

When does the damm Engineering Department go the extra mile for anyone? NEVER !!! They're too busy talking to the housekeepers or taking 15 smoking breaks. But they still bitch, "We've got so much work to do", or "We don't have enough staff to get to all those repair tickets".

Like I have plenty of time on my hands off extra staff just sitting around. Get your ass to work!

I still constantly need to watch over them to make sure they change light bulbs in the ballroom, fix the loose faucet in the bathroom, paint the scuff marks off the walls, etc...

When do they pay special attention to anything because a "VIP" group is in house. If they actually do you'd never know it. Agh, this drive me nuts...

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Happy Mother's Day

All the best to you Mom...

World History Lesson: Conservative vs Liberal

History began some 12,000 years ago. (Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on lobster in winter. (I wonder if they had any banquet managers back then).

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlymen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer, with lime added, & foo foo coffee, but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.

So, which are you"?

There's No Friggin' Staff Meal Again?

This shit keeps on happening. Whether we’re busy or slow, the f’ing kitchen is supposed to cook us a staff meal that’s ready right before lunch and then again before dinner. That way we can work the entire shift will some food in our belly and not pass-out from starvation (sometimes that would be better than our staff meal anyway).

Today was a quiet day so the cooks thought it was ok to not cook anything. Screw them! They get to eat whatever they want off the line all day long but not my staff. We still had 3 servers in the restaurant, 2 banquet waiters and 1 houseman…no food for them.

“Go get the leftovers from the banquet event” one of the cooks snapped at my waitress. This set me off. I went to the kitchen and blasted the bastard. “Let me see YOU eat that leftover shit” I gave it back to him.

Instead of arguing with an idiot, I very quietly went back to my office and rang-up 3 orders for my staff (2 hamburgers and 1 chicken sandwich). I let the restaurant servers fend for themselves. When the order went to the kitchen, they looked just like the orders from the restaurant so they never knew.

Around 20 minutes later I marched my staff to the kitchen and took the food off the line and very deliberately passed it to my staff. “Here guys, enjoy your staff meal” I said. THE COOK FLIPPED OUT!

Ah, the joys of upper management...

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Next Post: World History Lesson - Conservative -vs- Liberal