2 Doctors Having Sex...

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes, how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"

"Because I didn't feel a thing."

13 Signs That You Don't Want To Eat There

Sometimes there are subtle signs that a restaurant might not be for you.

*You have to construct your own burger, pasta, etc. from a menu of 50 ingredients. Be a chef already.

*Bathrooms with ambiguous male/female silhouettes. Or labels like Knights/Damsels, Dudes/Dudettes, or Caballeros/Caballeras. Dios mio! My bladder is exploding.

*They display a yellowed award that is over ten years old.

*A place called Prometheus' Buffet where an eagle eats your liver – every day. Caveat emptor. Any restaurant named Caveat Emptor should also be avoided. (Don't worry the Latin/art history part is over). ...

*The valet is a dude with this cardboard sign, "Will park car 4 leftovers."

*Waitresses in black uniforms that resemble retro morgue attendants.

*Menus with food stains. No scratch & sniff.

*The chef is sitting at the bar doing shots of Jaegermeister with the dishwasher. Ditto for mumblety-peg.

*Photos of the owner and family with washed up minor celebs.

*The chef has a tattoo ... of Anthony Bourdain ... on his neck ... shooting up.

*Three words: Day old sushi.

*The "sommelier" parked your car.

*Your waitress is named Fajita and when you order the "Sizzling Fajita," she says, "Ooooh yeah" and blots her lipstick.

From the Baltimore Sun

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• Bacteria On My Lemon Slice
  

The Case of the Missing Houseman

Houdini has nothing on this guy...

One of my housemen, I'll call him "Sanchez" 'cause that's his name, can never be found. Don't get me wrong, his work is always finished but I don't know how the heck he gets it done.

I get together with him in the morning, we go over the BEO's for the day, as well as his other assignments. Everything is ok. But that's the last I ever see of him. If I call him on the radio he responds or meets me wherever I ask but I never see him during the day.

At lunch time he does what he's supposed to do. He refreshed all the meeting rooms while the groups are out to lunch. He changes the linen or vacuums the carpet as needed, then like magic he's off to "never neverland".

Ask me where he hides-out and I'll be dammed if I know. Just when I think I found him hiding in a closet or something like that, he's gone. Or I find a Duncan Donuts coffee cup (he LOVES their coffee) and wait for him to return, he never does.

I gave up on trying to find his hiding spots but at this point...who cares? He gets his job done and never is seen doing it. How can this be?

Do you think he's Harry Houdini reincarnated?

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• Employee of the Month
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Next Post: 13 Signs You Don't Want To Eat There

I'm Not Your Secretary, I'm The Banquet Manager Dammit

"Do me a favor, fax this for me". Then a half hour later, "Call the florist and order 4 centerpieces for the restaurant". Or, "Call the front desk for me and make a reservation for so-n-so for 2 nights". WTF !!!

I'm not your secretary, I'm the Banquet Manager dammit!

I have enough on my plate with all these groups in house - don't give me your shit and expect me to smile about it. I got my own crap to do. The boss is making me nuts lately...

Does this shit happen to you?

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Another Wedding, More Rain

6, count 'em, 6 weeks straight with a wedding ceremony planned outside and it rained each time. Are we gonna keep it outside or move it inside? That's the conversation everytime. The sales chick don't know. The bride don't know.

I can't do s^#@ until I get the OK from one of them.

I can't take this crap anymore. GET MARRIED AT THE CHURCH FROM NOW ON !!!

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* I Still Want To Get Married Outside
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Next Post: I'm Not You're Secretary, I'm The Banquet Manager Dammit!

You're Late Again And You're Pissed At Me?

Do you believe this crap? I have a waiter that is constantly late and I have done everything I can to be patient and not fire his ass. I've spoken with him about this. I've asked is there anything that I can do to help. I've then told him that this can't go on any longer. So what happened next?

He's late again and I had enough. I filled out the disciplinary paperwork, the "write-up form" and sent it to HR. Then he has the balls to get pissed at ME!

"I'm not the one that's always late" I tell him. "I'm not the one that can't get his butt to work on time" is next. "I'm not the one that doesn't understand that this won't continue" comes last. "Yeah I know, it won't happen again" he has the nerve to say to me.

"Prove me wrong" I tell him. "If you can come to work on time for the next 10 shifts, I'll rip-up the paperwork" I offer. "If not, you're outta luck and it stays". "Then the next time you're late I fill out the paperwork again". He didn't like that offer.

Are you kidding me? I think I was pretty fair and offered him a chance. Do you agree?

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Next Post: Another Wedding, More Rain

June Comments

Here are some of the great comments received on this site. Some agreed with my take on things and some did not. Either way, I appreciate your input. Thanks, and keep them coming.

Dance...dance to the radio on Overweight People Are Bad For The Environment said:
Once the anti-smoking lobby wins the war against smokers they'll go after fat people. This is just laying the ground work.
The lifestyle Nazis are fighting the long fight. If they ever win the war against fat people, don't think that the rest of us aren't gonna be next.

That said, when obesity becomes a leading indicator of poverty, something funny is going on.

Schmuckraker on I Don't Like Tap Water said:
Yep, or the whole idea of extra veggie with the meal, dessert.. Soup AND salad. AND DIET SODA!?

Next time someone asks for the bottled water, remind them (especially if they are men) the high amounts of chemicals in the plastic producing female hormone estrogen levels to rise among men. Maybe they'll switch back to the fluoride tap water...?
Or just fill a bottle of water with TAP and see if they notice??

Biz Tone on You're Supposed To Collect The Balance said:
"Enjoy your weekends and holidays off. Enjoy your 9 to 5 days. Enjoy your free lunches with "a client". Just don't expect me to cover your ass and become a banker for you."

I've want to shout this many a times for every reason imaginable! I feel your pain.

Nurainie on Bore My Ass to Sleep said:
Yep. Teaspoons are always the problem. Small enough to get into guests pockets, staff bags and once we found them in the garbage bin...likely culprit being the steward who 1) was getting his revenge on the service staff or 2) to lazy to clean them and decides to throw them away.

Love Your Cake on The Cake Had The Wrong Icing Color said:
Haha that's hilarious. Geezer. Great blog!

Purplegirl on I Tried To Get The Check Signed But... said:
Wow! That's crazy. Did you at least get paid for the non-last-minute arrivals? If not, that's theft of services. In my state after $500 you can sic the police on them. :)

Waiter Extraordinaire on The Old Couple That Got Engaged said:
Where do you get these jokes. That is a real good one. Imagine..

Thanks to all...

Next Post: You're Late Again And You're Pissed At Me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reminder:

Guest Bloggers Wanted!

Yes, that's right. Guest blogging month is back and it starts August 1st.

I did this last November and the response was great. Now it happens again!!!

I'm looking for anyone that's interested in writing an original article or story to post on this blog. I've had great success in my short time on the web and think it's time I gave a little back to the people that have made it all possible, my readers.

Rules for submission of all stories:

1. Must be original and not edited, or stolen, from another post somewhere
   
2. Must be funny
3. Must not contain any foul language (at least nothing worse than what you've read here)
4. Must be related to banquets, food, waiters, kitchen, etc.

That's it. I want to add 1 great post each week for the month of August so get your pencils ready and write away. Email all submissions to: soyouwanttobeabanquetmanager@gmail.com.

This email address is only open to accept your posts so please, no spam. You have all of July to get your stories in but do it fast...

Preference will be given to the friends I've made so far that are included in my sidebar links as well as all my "assistant banquet managers". But don't worry...if your story is better than theirs, you get in. The lucky winners get their story posted with a link back to your blog. Remember - I have a Google PR 4 and rank #1 in Yahoo. (not a bad link, right?)

Once again, thanks for your support and send me your best story right away.

600 People and No More Beer?

We had this big group here the other day. 600 truck drivers from some union something-or-other organization. Who cares where they're from but I only know one thing...I've never seen so many hillbillys with tattoos and beards in my life.

Some were rough and tough looking, some looked like they just came out of some AAA meeting. Hamburgers & hot dogs were on the menu and we wasted buffet space with 2 salads. What red-blooded American trucker eats a salad anyway?

Then it happened...it was all washed down with so many beers that they cleaned us out. We went through everything we ordered and even the 15 cases of old skanky beer we just never got around to throwing out last month. YUCK!

They were pissed-off and gave the sales chick an ear-full. Hopefully they're too drunk to remember to send the complaint letter to the boss.

I need a REAL job!

Next Post: June Comments

WANTED: Guest Bloggers - Part 2

Yes, that's right. Guest blogging month is back and it starts August 1st.

I did this last November and the response was great. Now it happens again!!!

I'm looking for anyone that's interested in writing an original article or story to post on this blog. I've had great success in my short time on the web and think it's time I gave a little back to the people that have made it all possible, my readers.

Rules for submission of all stories:

1. Must be original and not edited, or stolen, from another post somewhere
   
2. Must be funny
3. Must not contain any foul language (at least nothing worse than what you've read here)
4. Must be related to banquets, food, waiters, kitchen, etc.

That's it. I want to add 1 great post each week for the month of August so get your pencils ready and write away. Email all submissions to: soyouwanttobeabanquetmanager@gmail.com.

This email address is only open to accept your posts so please, no spam. You have all of July to get your stories in but do it fast...

Preference will be given to the friends I've made so far that are included in my sidebar links as well as all my "assistant banquet managers". But don't worry...if your story is better than theirs, you get in. The lucky winners get their story posted with a link back to your blog. Remember - I have a Google PR 4 and rank #1 in Yahoo. (not a bad link, right?)

Once again, thanks for your support and send me your best story right away.

Little Known Stuff About The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

---well, are you?


Next Post: 600 People and No More Beer?