Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Another One Bites The Dust

It’s the end of my night. The banquet manager is going home. I turn off all the lights in each meeting room as I do my final walk through. Air conditioners off, check. Store rooms locked, check. Computer turned off, check. It’s around 12:30am and finally it’s time to leave.

As I stop in the bar to get a cup of water for the trip home, I come face-to-face with a Room Service waiter that is helping himself to a Grey Goose and tonic in a plastic cup.

He looks me in the eye…I can smell the fear from across the mahogany bar top. Not a word is said. Then he puts a lid on the cup and does an abrupt about face and scurries out of the bar. Of course I follow him.

Down the rear service stairs he goes with me in hot pursuit. Boy, either he’s one fast SOB or I’m getting slow. I finally catch up with him. With his liquid loot still in his hand I say, “What’s in the cup”? Now he looks at me with those same eyes as a sad little bunny rabbit………….”Ugh, I was just getting a drink for the ride home”. “I’m sorry”, he said, “It won’t happen again”.

Correct! You’re FIRED!

I hope he doesn’t know where I park my car…

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Monday, September 28, 2009

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What ?" said the puzzled groom."How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband #10 was Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him !!!

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?

"You're with the GOVERNMENT ". This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Stale Friggin' Danish Again, WTF!

How damm hard can it be to order a few dozen Danish and muffins everyday? Not too hard I guess. My one-eyed half-bald cat that shits himself twice a week can probably do it. But Noooooo, the kitchen apparently can’t.

Whether it’s the chef, or the dumb-ass purchasing chick (yes, we have a chick in Purchasing – why I don’t know), either way - they forget to order fresh bakery items at least once every two weeks.

We do breakfast for 6-7 groups everyday that average around 500 people plus the restaurant is usually busy with all the transient hotel guests and all goes well. But as soon as we come to a quiet day with one or two small groups in-house, they must stick their heads up their a** and shut their eyes and forget to read the damm BEO’s. WTF!

Now I need to put day-old Danish & muffins out on our nice fancy silver trays. What a contradiction in terms – old shit with new platters. The banquet manager is not having a good day...

I need a REAL job!


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Monday, September 21, 2009

Are Waiters From Buenos Aires The Best?

Buenos Aires boasts impressive waiters, whose minds are worth studying, according to the paper Strategies of Buenos Aires Waiters to Enhance Memory Capacity in a Real-Life Setting, published in the journal Behavioural Neurology.

"Typical Buenos Aires senior waiters memorise all orders from clients and take the orders, without written support, of as many as 10 persons per table. They also deliver the order to each and every one of the customers who ordered it without asking or checking."

And most of the time, they get it right.

How do they do it? Researchers Tristan Bekinschtein, Julian Cardozo and Facundo Manes ran an experiment to find out. The three are based variously at the Institute of Cognitive Neurology and at Favaloro University, both in Buenos Aires, and at the MRC Cognition and Brain Sciences Unit in Cambridge.

Eight customers sat at a table, and ordered drinks. When the waiter brought the beverages, the scientists tallied up how many were served to the people who had ordered them, and how many delivered to someone else. All the waiters performed admirably.

The customers later ordered more drinks, then switched seats before the waiter returned. This produced dreary results. The scientists tried this on nine waiters, only one of whom consistently delivered drinks to the right people.

Interviewed afterwards, waiters said they generally paid attention to customers' locations, faces and clothing. They also disclosed a tiny trick of the trade. They "did not pay attention to any customer after taking a table's order, as if they were protecting the memory formation in the path from the table to the bartender or kitchen."

In preparing their study, Bekinschtein, Cardozo and Manes discovered a published account of a remarkable waiter who had trained himself to "recall as many as 20 dinner orders, categorise the food (meat or starch) and link it to the location in the table. He also used acronyms and words to encode salad dressing, and visualised cooking temperature for each customer's meat and linked it to the position on the table."

The Buenos Aires waiters, in contrast, "reported systematically that they have not thought of any particular strategy and that their great ability comes only with time and practice".

The best waiter – the one who delivered drinks correctly even when customers had swapped seats – claimed that, unlike his colleagues, he ignored where customers sat, and paid attention only to their looks. His professional experience, he said, "had been mostly in cocktail parties for 10 years, where people tend to change their position in the room; only in the last three years had he been working in the restaurant".

Link to original story: guardian.co.uk

Well, do you agree with this crap?

Next Post: Stale Friggin' Danish Again, WTF!

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

What I Saw At The End Of My Shift Yesterday...

All the restaurant waiters hanging-out in the manager's office and cackling like worn-out chickens at the end of their shift. One bitching about the busser, one bitching about her low tips and another just bitching.
---Just stop 'yer bitching and go home already!

Two housekeepers taking their 400th smoking break near the loading dock.
---Lazy asses, get back to work!

One waitress sitting on top of the kitchen counter with 1 shoe & sock off and picking something out of her toes.
---You dirty bitch!

A sheet pan of unwrapped frozen chicken breasts on the floor near the walk-in freezer.
---WTF! Chef, what's this shit?

What the hell is going on today?

I need a REAL job!

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Monday, September 14, 2009

No No No, You CAN'T Switch Shifts

I don't care if your relative from the f'in south of France came over unexpectedly and you needed the day off, you can't just switch your shift with another waiter...especially without telling me. (By the way, who the hell comes over "unexpectedly from France" anyway?).

When I do my schedule it's a work of art. I plan my staff based on not only seniority but by their ability. Some waiters are better at setting up buffets, some at plated meals, some are weaker servers but are very good with the customers that they can get by at almost anything and their faults are usually overlooked. And some just suck and I only keep them for when I need a warm body to buss tables and crap like that.

Now this dingbat server has family over and guess who she switches her shift with? You guessed it. The suckiest of the sucky waiters on my staff. Now I gotta babysit this nuckle-head all day and wait for the ball to drop.

I guess that's what I get for keeping some shit waiters on staff.

Hey, do you have some sucky waiters that work with you? If so, tell me about it. (do I hear another Guest Post coming?).



Next Post: What I Saw At The End Of My Shift Yesterday


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Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Banquet Manager is on Facebook

Read all about it...So You Want To Be a Banquet Manager is now on Facebook...

Only one problem...what the hell do I do with this thing?

Is it a web site? Is it am email thing? Or just a place to eavesdrop on what other people are posting? Beats the hell out of me.

How do I tweet with this thing, I don't know? I think I have the basics of this blog down but now with Facebook, I haven't the foggiest idea of what to do with it. Can I make any $$ with this bugger?

All I know is this...I got my first follower. It's the boys from down-under at Chef's Kitchen Rant. Thanks guys.

Anybody else interested in joining or telling me what the hell I can do with this thing? Check out the box in the left side-bar.

HELP...


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Thursday, September 10, 2009

Holy Shit...The Sprinklers Went On!

We're doing a party the other night out on our deck. The sun is setting, the wine is flowing and the guests are having a great time. Since the party is going so smooth, I decided now was the time to sneak into the kitchen and steal a quick meal for myself. Then it happened...

One of my waiters came running into the kitchen screaming, "The sprinklers went on and everybody's getting wet"! WTF...

I race outside to see everyone running around trying to find cover from the water jets that are spraying their ass. People were really pissed-off and the host as mad as a wet hen.

We're still trying to find out why the hell the sprinklers went off when they did but you know what? It was funny as shit to see it happen. A first for me.

It's times like this when I love my job.

Next Post: NO NO NO, You Can't Switch Shifts

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Monday, September 7, 2009

We Forgot To Pass The Champagne

Everything went off without a hitch. The guests of honor were happy the entire party. Their 25th wedding anniversary was a huge success. The shrimp cocktail was full all night, the piggies-in-the-blanket were crisp as requested and the strawberry shortcake was moist as planned. Ah, a good night for the "Banquet Manager".

Then it happened...as the group left the room when the party was over, the contact (the daughter) said "I wasn't going to spoil it for my mom and dad but you forgot to pass the champagne when they arrived and the party was ruined". "I'm writing a letter to your boss to complain" came next. The party was ruined, WTF!

Why did you wait until you're walking out the f'in door to mentioned this? Ok, ok, I know we dropped the ball but you could have mentioned this 4 hours earlier and we would have done it then. Buy NOOOO, you don't say a thing and allow our "small" error to become a sledgehammer that you are holding over our heads. BITCH!

This time, here comes MY ass kickin'.

I need a REAL job!

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Saturday, September 5, 2009

Another Reason To Avoid The In-Room Coffee Makers

Quite often, hotel guests stay away from the in-room coffee because it either tastes like crap, the machine is difficult to figure out or worse yet, it costs money. But now there could be another reason to avoid the in-room coffee machines--they could really mess your hand up.

From the NY Post:

Former Columbia University researcher Kristopher Karnauskas yesterday filed a $10 million suit against an Arizona hotel, claiming its percolator shattered in his hand, hurting him so badly he couldn't attend his meeting then next day as planned.

And what's more, the 27-year-old climate scientist claims he can no longer play his trumpet. His conflict with the carafe took place in January at a Phoenix Marriott, where he'd planned to deliver a speech.

A shard of glass severed a hand tendon, he said.

Thankfully, there's a new trend on the horizon in hotels to use Keurigs or other single-cup coffee makers in the rooms, meaning we don't have to do deal with any glass percolators. But it will take a while for the big brands to get these installed in all of their rooms. Until then, you might be better off dragging yourself downstairs for a cup of coffee.

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I'm NOT Gonna Open Your Damm Bottle Of Wine!

1) Dumb bride thinks it's a good idea to offer a mini bottle of wine with her & her new husband's picture on it as a wedding favor to each guest

2) Even dumber sales chick tells the dumb bride, "It's OK, we can put them out for you at each place setting"

3) I tell dumb sales chick during the BEO meeting, "You can't allow outside liquor into this building let alone give it away to a guest without putting our liquor license at risk"

4) Brainless says, "What's the big deal, we've done it before"

5) I do all I can to not put my foot up her ass

6) Wedding day comes

7) We waste precious time opening up case after case of mini wine bottles and place them at the top of each setting, making sure the stupid photo of the B&G is facing forward

8) I tell my staff, "No matter what they say - do NOT open that bottle for the guest under any circumstances"

9) Of course a few people get pissed that we will not open them up

10) The bride now complains to the sales chick that we won't open the bottles

11) The bride tells a few friends to go to the restaurant and see if they will open the bottles

12) Even more stupid restaurant dingbat manager says, "Sure we can open those bottles for you - it's your wedding day"

13) Now I've got a full-fledged shit night ahead of me

I need a REAL job!

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