A**Holes Ran Outta Pasta!

How in the world can this happen?

We had a large corporate group here for the last 2 days...147 people.  Their farewell dinner on Wednesday night was a grand reception with a carving station, wok station, pasta station.  The whole works.  It was planned for 3 hours with an open bar.


About midway through the event I notice the cook behind the pasta station asking one of my waiters to get him more pasta from the kitchen.  Ok.  So she goes to the banquet kitchen to get some more.  After 10 minutes I notice my waiter hasn't returned yet.  So of course now I'm heading to the kitchen myself.


What do I see?  My waitress pacing the kitchen and giving me that look.  You know THAT look.  The look that comes over a person that realized someone else screwed-up big time.


The banquet chef is nowhere to be found.  The banquet sous chef is missing too.  WTF!


Apparently their are rummaging around in the basement storeroom looking for more pasta.  MORE pasta?


These a-holes apparently forgot to order enough pasta for this event.  That's the stupidest shit I've heard in a looooong time.


Pasta is the cheapest crap to buy.  That's why we sometimes will even throw-in a pasta station just to lock-in a sale.  It doesn't cost us much.  Now these 2 knucklehead chefs are trying to pull some farfalle & tortellini pasta outta their asses before I shove my shoe up in there next.

End of story...

The pasta station turns into 2 chaffers of leftover baked ziti that was not used from our staff meal from lunch.  I'm now stuck trying to explain this BS to the group contact who proceeds to break my balls about it and that she will be calling "Sales Chick" in the morning because we ruined her event.

We get through the night.  The chef won't even look at me.  The waiters are all pissed.  The attendees don't know what the hell happened to the pasta.  A shit night all around.

I head to my office to make the banquet check that I will NOT be presenting to the host.  Then comes the Captain's Report.  I fill it out in full without placing any blame on the kitchen full of jerks that couldn't keep friggin' pasta in the house.


My report gets emailed-out to the GM, Dir of F&B, Dir of Sales, and the Executive Chef.  Tomorrow's stand-up meeting in the General Manager's office should be fun.





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You Look Like a Jerk When You Dance - Part 2

I wrote a post about the Bride & Groom's first dance that is nothing more than a clumsy choreographed mess so they can show all their guests how "cool" they are with their dancing skills.  They just look like a bunch of dime-store mannequins in an overly starched shirt trying to impress the masses.

Now the new thing I've seen this wedding season (and it's been a long and busy one) is the entire bridal party entering the room to their version of the Soul Train TV show's solo dance routine.

We go through all this trouble to make sure:

• the glassware is highly polished
• the table linens are not wrinkled
• the silverware is straight
• the lights are dimmed correctly
• the waiter's uniforms are clean
• the carpet is vacuumed well
• all the bride's million-and-one candles are lit

We try to make their special day as classy as possible. 

Then what happens?


When the DJ or band leader announces the first couple from the bridal party into the room, they launch into come convoluted 10 second stupid-ass dance routine.


Couple #1 come out with some jerky stop-motion type movements that look like how the characters from the old TV show Gumby used to move.

 Couple #2 come out with the "fish-hook".  This is where the man comes out first then turns around to find his partner around 6ft behind him.  Then he pretends to take out a fishing pole and "hooks" the bridsmaid in the mouth with his line and then reels her in.



Couple #3 starts with the girl walking by herself for about 10 steps then bends over and grabs her ankles (we all wish).  Then her partner comes racing into the room and leap-frogs over her.



WTF!  Why do they do this shit?  What happened to the "classy high-end wedding" that the B&G and their parents desired for their special day?

Oh, I guess it was only US that had to be classy and high-end.  But they were able to turn it into a drunken frat party before the first 5 minutes are over.

Weddings suck!  I need a REAL job! 




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• I Only Work Weddings, He Says
• They Drank From the Ice Carving?
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They Shipped My Ass Out To Memphis

I just got back this morning from Memphis, yes that's right, Memphis.  The big boss says to me last week, "hey Banquet Manager, the regional F&B director needs someone to fill in for the usual "start-up guy" for a hotel in Memphis that we just took over".  "I told him about you and he said he is interested", came next.

"Interested in what", came from me.  "He wants you to fly to Memphis and meet with the other opening staff to evaluate the hotel.  You'll take care of the banquet department of the property and report back to corporate about what needs to be done to get it up to standards".  

Now, some of you may be saying "this is a GREAT opportunity for you Banquet Manager, you should take it".  Or "they must really think highly of you Banquet Manager for you to be chosen".  I've done this shit before for two different properties, no big deal.  So I don't need the pat on my back.

Plus, I don't need to have my ass shipped to the hometown of Elvis...

I thought my wife was going to kill me when she found out.  She wasn't too happy about this.  The kids are back in school, and it's already too busy here a my regular hotel so I don't need to head south for a week.  Besides, I hate living outta a suitcase and eating crappy food.

Moving along...

I fly out to the new property.  It's pretty nice with 12,000 sq ft of meeting space and the ballroom holds around 300 people.  Not too small but ok.  The rest of the week is spent in countless meetings with management staff going over their existing standards.  Then came counting silverware, china, glassware, chairs, tables...getting a full inventory.  

We had a company come in to check on the kitchen ovens & grills, another one to check on the fire suppression system and even an electrician to check the wattage in the ballroom outlets 'cause apparently they have an ongoing problem with the breakers popping when a band comes in for their weddings.

Then I met with the wait staff and bartenders to get their take on things.  Of course it's a "union property" so the staff are a bunch of whiner crybabies that all should be fired.  That is on the next agenda!  

So my 32 page report is completed (most of the work was done late at night in my hotel room while I was ordering cheap room service pizza and gallons of coffee.

I have a meeting with the regional bigwigs on Monday to go over my findings and to make my recommendations.  We'll see what happens next.  And through all of this crap, I never got to see Graceland!

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Bride Faked Cancer in Scam to Get Wedding Donations

Bride's 'Till death do us part' story was false, husband says

From FoxNews.com

A New York bride whose entire wedding was paid for by well-wishers who believed she had terminal cancer faked her illness, the woman's husband alleges.

Michael O'Connell claims his wife, Jessica Vega, pretended to have terminal leukemia in order to cash in on donations from strangers and family members who helped pay for everything from the bridal gown to the couple's honeymoon, RecordOnline.com reports.

The couple, both 23, were featured in an April 26 Times Herald-Record article about strangers who had come together to pay for their dream wedding while Vega was still well enough to walk down the aisle.

The couple's entire wedding was paid for by well-wishers, the newspaper reported, and O'Connell and Vega used donations for a honeymoon in Aruba, where they stayed in a donated time share.

O'Connell, who believed that his wife was terminally ill, is now claiming that a letter from her doctor explaining her condition is a fake, the newspaper reports.

O'Connell said he called the office of Dr. Dan Costin -- the doctor named in the letter -- and was told that no person with his wife’s name was ever a patient of Costin's, according to the newspaper.

Vega, meanwhile, reportedly denies lying about her diagnosis.

Link to original news article.

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Labor Day Weekend Hell

Friday: High-end wedding for 186 people with a bride from hell.  The TV show Bridezilla must have missed this bitch.  The flowers weren't nice enough, the a/c was too cold, the cake didn't come out as she expected.  The dad was nice but the mom was a pain in the ass.  Wonder where the bride got it from...

Saturday: Kosher wedding for 215 people.  All food provided from outside caterer.  Rabbi was one of those hard-nose types that drove us nuts.  He took most of the liquor off our bar saying it wasn't Kosher.  Our regular kitchen staff had to evacuate everything outta the kitchen earlier in the day.  Not a fun day.  Wedding ended at 1:15am

Sunday:  Indian wedding for 330 people.  Our ballroom only holds around 300 if all tables are set for 12.  What a nightmare.  

All day food, tea stations everywhere, ceremony outside with a large rented stage, a million last minute changes, the Indian caterer keeps giving us additional food that was not listed on the BEO (here, take this to the brides mom's room, etc).  Then trying to get the large bridal party lined-up for the room intros...you have a better chance of getting a cow to walk down a flight of stairs in pink pajamas that doing that.

Oh, did I forget to mention that each of these 3 weddings had a rehearsal dinner the night before and a wedding breakfast the next morning?  Labor Day Monday was the worst.  The breakfast was planned for 125 people but we counted 211 !!!  WTF!

I can't stand this shit anymore.  I need a REAL job!

Related Stories:

• More Wedding Stories

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What's More Healthy? Beer, Wine, or Water?

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) a bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine, beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

 

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